I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
