im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
