just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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