upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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