Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
