Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Still dying that you shit outside
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
