you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize