$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
