but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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