sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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