why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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