I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
