Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
