They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
