mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
