My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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