The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
