My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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