Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize