hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
