It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
