I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
