I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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