god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
vagina is talking i cant
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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