My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
