I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
