i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
there is glitter all over my balls
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
