A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
