Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
