I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
