I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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