Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
