Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
