so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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