so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
