I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
