remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
