my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize