While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
