I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
