yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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