Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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