I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize