SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
