well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize