can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize