69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
