my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
