I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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