8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize