I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
