remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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