Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
