Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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